So much can happen in a 24 hour period. One moment you’re totally blissful, attractive by the abnormality and love. Enchanted by the brief and subtly rendezvous, preventing any known action from the outside world. Just two earthlings enjoying each other’s company in this massive and dazzling universe. Then, something dubious happens. Something unexpected. Now you’re hesitant and the feeling isn’t mutual. Instead, something’s implanted, something’s trifling, and it’s difficult to avoid. You find yourself wishing to scale back to the past and avert those circumstances — but you can’t. You can’t eschew unfortunate outcomes, because all you can do is experience and endure them. Blissfulness turned into a precarious misfortunate, the attractiveness is now perplexed, and you’re no longer enchanted, but concerned about how the universe will implode. I’ll admit, I’m a bit analytical and a bit of a pessimist about the ordeal, I’m not even sure if it’s an ordeal. I think I’m being hyperbolic. It’s tough to say.
Imagine, memories from the past can have an impact in the present.
At the moment, I’m listening to LCD Soundsystem. At the moment, I’m eating a bowl of delicious cantaloupe. At the moment, well, I’m quite happy. It’s been awhile since words were embedded onto this website, my personal “blog”, my escape from the harsh truths and false objectives of reality, it’s all a bit chaotic really, especially what has developed in my life — but — yes there’s a but, it’s all quite beautiful. Since then, I watched countless films, I read a meaningful and wonderful book, and I went on several adventures. Overall, I’m quite happy — but never satisfied. That might sound a bit grim. You may interpret it as being slightly pessimistic, I understand, but it’s quite the opposite. You can be happy, and delighted, and very avid about your good fortunes, but please, don’t be satisfied, because once you are, there’s nothing to strive for. I am strictly ‘talking’ about your ambitions in life, not an actual living entity, or monad, or human being, in case you’re curious. Don’t be satisfied, or you’ll be stagnant in life, instead be adventurous and soar through your creative and absolutely gorgeous mind. Soar like a magic carpet, or a paper airplane, or even a origami pterodactyl, soar until you’ll find happiness, and once you get to that destination, plan another adventure, plan the next several until your hands get the permanent sea waves of skin, the dash of humble grey in your hair, or when you can turn smiles into laughter. Be adventurous until your last chapter, in life.
Since the year started, I felt the love from many people, and sadly the devastation of mournful hearts, life can be such a pleasant but cruel predicament. It’s all quite intense. I seen a lovely couple multiplied by fifty, an adorable daughter abruptly losing her beautiful mother, and two unlikely dilemmas subtly falling in love. That’s life. There are hardships and blessings, unfortunately, we must endure both in the same scope. Death is imminent, but life is immense.
But you know what? Possibly, this post is mumbo-jumbo or rubbish to you, it’s a walking self-indulgent, awful cliché. A bumper sticker.
I have absolutely no idea what you’re doing. That’s the best possible answer I can give you when you ask, “What is life?”, because we’re contrasting beings with common affairs, nothing more, nothing less.
That’s about it, I guess. I would love to continue this magnificent rant, but I have dreams to discover and terrains to sleep on.
Until next time, safe travels.
Dedicated to Manang Teresa.
Gary Wilson, “Dream(s)”
P.S. Hello. I’ll make this brief and very subtle. It’s quite intense but very exquisite, our rendezvous. We’d usually laugh together and many times, we’d laugh at ourselves. We’d laugh at our insecurities and our peculiarities. I’m not sure if this was supposed to happen, but it did, and you know what? I’m ecstatic. As adventures, we’ll face many obstacles, but together, with the help from God, we’ll prevail. Thank you again.
Imagine that, two entries in a week? I think my thoughts are a bit jumbled lately, especially the past two weeks. Nothing awful or severe, it’s quite the opposite. See, I’m not intuitive and that’s probably damaging to myself, but I like to think I can get signals’ correct. This is a continuation to my prior entry and the lack of confidence in the notion. The pieces are aligning but it lacks guidance. Either, I’m not sure where to go, or I’m afraid where it’ll go. Why’s this so difficult? Life’s not scripted, it’s not divided by acts, and we’re not actors, there’s no immersive score, or a fade to black end of credits. There’s no climax because every single day is climatic. It’s just us — We’re the film, the unobtainable film. It’s scripted by us, we reminisce only the best acts, and we’re all actors in some degree. The immersive score is our daily noise; the spontaneous dreadful, sometimes elegant noise. When we sleep, we fade to black momentarily and another world will consume us…
OK, I think I’m a bit tired. I probably need some rest. It’s been a long day. It’s all quite ridiculous, this entire website.
Ultimately, I don’t want to be a burden. I’m not saying I’m useless, what I’m saying is I’m full of ambivalence. It’s a disease, an infection. See, it’s like photography, you don’t know what will develop, until you take the photo. But take it with confidence, take it because you’ve seen something so beautiful you want to capture its pureness at its essence, take it because you appreciate its mundane but extraordinary features, or take it because you really don’t know what will happen; the danger, the opportunities, the love, the life. It’s quite difficult, I know, because the leap is massive, well perhaps not, but it’s a leap. I’m not trying to be dire, believe me, I’m trying to stay as optimistic as possible, it’s tough. History will always reinforce your doubts, and that’s common, but history can’t predict the outcome, and that’s the beauty of it all.
I’m a very reluctant person, especially when it comes to new adventures, because I don’t want to disappoint anyone. It’s probably empathy, or the lack of communication with people, I know that may seem like a contradiction but it’s the truth. I usually distant myself because I don’t want to be a burden to anyone. It’s quite a mystery; the life, the love, the struggle, but when in doubt, pray. I really want to be positive, especially what’s blooming, and quite frankly, I don’t know what it is, but I hope it’s not bad, for you. I hope I can be efficient and wholesome, and, well, I hope I won’t be a burden. Indeed, this might be my most cryptic and vague post yet; full of metaphors and uncertainty. Although, I am certain for one thing, that it’s genuine. Perhaps we’ll find out later, or not, but I enjoyed every minute. And with every minute is a new memory. Thank you.
It’s 2014, I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing.
Two nights ago it was New Year’s Eve. Prior to the evening, several people asked about my plans, whether or not I’ll have a significant other to kiss, I replied, “Yes, but she’ll be in my dreams.” I slept through the delightful shift into the new year, and without hesitation. But prior to my sleep, I watched The Apartment. The Billy Wilder classic was the first film I’ve watched from the acclaimed director. I found it fitting because the film coincidentally ended during New Year’s Eve. Although the protagonist had a better outcome, overall I related to the film quite a bit. I think it’s one of my favorite romantic comedies now. It was a quotable film too. Anyway, this year will be full of blessings and, possibly love? — I doubt it. Actually, I highly doubt it. The chances aren’t slim, but I don’t think my heart is into it anymore. I think I lack the energy for a relationship. Remember I mentioned that I would kiss her in my dreams, well I didn’t. In fact, I’m not quite sure what happened. My dreams were bland, and I woke up feeling empty. I still have a void. A tremendous void. I’m fine though. Don’t worry. Like I said, this year will be full of blessings, and opportunities, and chances, and — You know what? I really don’t know. Yes, it’s a new year. The numbers changed, but uncertainty stays the same. I’m definitely a perfectionist with flaws, an optimists with doubts. I do have the fortitude, well I like to believe I do, to surpass any hindrances. Not sure where this blog is going this year, or if I’ll achieve anything significant, but this definitely will be my last dire post.
It’s December, ‘tis the season to be, morbid. This cold weather is quite exquisite. I think I love women in fall/winter clothes, than in summer clothes. Don’t get me wrong, summer dresses are absolutely delightful, I just find fall/winter clothes a bit more pleasant. It’s the sense of warmth and being cloaked with fashion, wonderful and lovely fashion. I honestly think it’s a better season for clothes. It can be extravagant, or discreet, either way, it’s all lovely, especially on women. Anyway, back to the weather. Yes it’s bleak and gloomy outside, perhaps it’ll rain — incidentally, I don’t like the rain. It’s a good time for umbrellas, but not parasols by the way, I don’t know the difference, exactly. It’s amazing weather to contemplate. Gather your thoughts about the past year, or even, the past couple of hours. Wondering the mistakes you’ve learned, or lack thereof. Also, It’s great weather to drive to. Drive without the radio, and listen to the rain beating the windshield, like millions of fingers tapping an oak dining table, it definitely sounds pleasing. What I like the most about this weather? I’m constantly inside, enjoying my comic books, or watching an obscure foreign film. It’s all lovely — Yes, it’s all lovely, being alone. I don’t have any complaints too.
Since you’ve last read, and I last posted, a couple of things changed about me. Well, to be exact, time has changed. I’m trying to take advantage of time now. I took it for granted, and though I don’t have the energy to be as energetic as a young lad, I’m trying my best to be more productive. Productive with time and the arts. As you know, I love art, and all the many mediums that spawned from it. I get stimulated when I see something beautiful. I know it’s all subjective, but art has always been part of me. I’ll be honest too, I’m no great artist, I’m not even a bit adequate, but I am genuine, well I try to be. We’ll see what’ll happen. This year hasn’t been great, but not awful too. I was blessed with an opportunity, and I was granted by one. Thankfully, my prayers had been answered numerous times this year, and hopefully, it’ll continue to do so in the upcoming years. Now, I’m wondering when’s the right time to move forward — move my heart forward.
Anyway, I’m going to listen to Beach House now. Until next time.
Perhaps this will make sense in a couple of years from now. I’m talking about this blog, in case you were wondering. Yes, you, the only person that was eagerly waiting patiently for this post. This won’t be riveting, I apologize. I was supposed to write something awesome yesterday, which was Sunday, but I was irritated, which lead to frustration, which ultimately lead to the lack of commitment. Commitment is such a wonderful word, that’s easily taken for granted. Not entirely sure where this post will go, because it’s all impromptu, and it’s quite difficult to write anything creative nowadays, especially if you lack creativity in your life.
Once again, I’m here deprecating my life’s decisions. I know you’re tired of all this, and I don’t blame you. For me, this is somewhat therapeutic, and many times, my way to abstract my rationality into a more efficient manner, without going all the way insane. At first, I wanted to write something about this past week, what I’ve done to consume entertainment, but I haven’t done anything at all, or at least nothing worthwhile. It’s like life’s one huge veil of anxiety and uncertainty. Don’t get me wrong, although I speak about despair and loneliness, I’m not entirely about melancholy, I’m just quite middling in life. I don’t believe in going with the flow of things though, and probably that’s the case, I want to drive my own ship to the harbor. I don’t like the fact that I have to rely on the “flow”, I want to make my own course through life.
Incidentally, that’s not easy to do; making your own course through life. I’m about to turn three decades old in less than a year from now. That’s quite terrifying. This is where I should be comparing and contrasting everyone’s lives, whether they’re five years younger or five years older, it’s all quite terrifying, the uncertainty. I don’t want to say I’m bitter, especially for the success of my friends, who’ve rightfully, and who’ve worked hard at deserving everything — no I won’t be that person, I don’t want to be that person. I just need something drastic in my life to occur, but hopefully not tragic. Something that may change my course in life, for the better. Perhaps, between the prayers and being optimistic about life in general, isn’t enough. I have to push myself to move forward. Get out of being dormant. Perhaps, I need to take my own advice, instead of dwelling into life’s ambiguity. Perhaps the time is now? Perhaps, I have to stop.
Who wants to be my editor, particularly for my writing? Do people with blogs have an editor? I’ll pay you with home baked chocolate chip cookies, if you’re a vegan or trying to stay healthy, I can make them without the toxins, or whatever that be. Or, perhaps, I can take you to the movies and a dinner every weekend? Well the position is open. Apply now. Now. NOW! Anyway, I believe I’ve tend to write verbosely, which makes my writing sound like I’m a pseudo-intellectual, although I’m possible half that, mainly the pseudo. I’m a pseudo-artist, a pseudo-photographer, and sadly, if evident, a pseudo-friend. Speaking of pseudo-friends, I see, and read, so much pseudoism going around. It’s quite silly. OK, I’m not going to get into that.
So, I decided to post something every Sunday. Some may look at it as the beginning of the week, some may look at it as the last day of the week, hey, for all we know, it’s possibly the third or fourth day of the week, either way, I shall post my weekly column for “things I did in the past week” I know, I know, I tried this before, heck, that was my initial intentions for this site. This time, I’ll abide to my plan. Hopefully.
