I don\u2019t believe in a blank slate. Both, the concept and expression, are quite ridiculous. I mean, you\u2019re born with a blank slate, but not entirely. Your life\u2019s not predetermined, and unfortunately, you\u2019re definitely born into unforeseen predicaments. Predicaments that are possibly a catalyst to something incredible, regrettable, or hopefully, not ominous. I think I\u2019d experienced it today. Although it was minor, and perhaps forgettable, those small fortunes, and also the misfortunes, had grounded me. Yes, you\u2019ve all heard this before, and I don\u2019t want to reiterate everything, because by the time you\u2019ve read this, you\u2019ve probably experienced it prior.<\/p>\n
What\u2019s ultimately funny, and despairing, is that I\u2019ve started to regret most of my decisions. I know this website is supposed to be an open book, and I should express what\u2019s going on in my mind, but I believe in staying subtle and vague will protect the people I care about. The people I still<\/em> care about.<\/p>\n The last time I\u2019ve taken a huge risk was several years ago. I\u2019m talking about a risk where you have no idea what was going to be the outcome. A leap of faith perhaps? I was determined. I was dubious. I was. . . I was, in love. Well, it can\u2019t be love at first sight, and I don\u2019t believe in such things, but it was something. At the time, it was something spectacular.<\/p>\n Remember I said I wasn\u2019t sure? Well, I wasn\u2019t sure, because I think I was afraid. I mean, people who are hesitated, are usually people who are afraid. I think I was afraid of being heartbroken. When I was 23 years old, I was listening to Incubus\u2019 Pardon Me<\/em>, in a car, singing along with the song, because that was me. I wanted to burst into flames. Years later, that\u2019s still me. I\u2019ve mentioned that I might be the most dormant human being ever, I know it\u2019s a bit hyperbolic, but it\u2019s true. Even after executing my huge risk, our countless expressions of adoration and the\u00a0inevitable departure of our love,\u00a0I don\u2019t think I\u2019ve changed. I\u2019m still alone<\/em>. I\u2019m still here<\/em>. Still wanting to burst into flames.<\/p>\n I know I\u2019ll have my bad days, I’ll have awful days, but today wasn\u2019t bad at all, it was actually quite great. I think what sprouted this post were the memories. See, to have a blank slate, is to have everything preceding to be nonexistent, so, without feelings or attachment. That\u2019s impossible. From the laughters to the arguments, from the kisses to the tears, it still exist. All of it. It exists in time. If I truly want a \u201cblank slate\u201d, I must erase my memories. Our memories.<\/p>\n Anyway, earlier I mentioned that I started to regret most of my decisions. I think when I made a specific one, it was out of animosity. Would\u2019ve I made the same decision, given the same circumstances?<\/p>\n Yes. Unfortunately, yes.<\/p>\n Until next time.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I don\u2019t believe in a blank slate. Both, the concept and expression, are quite ridiculous. I mean, you\u2019re born with a blank slate, but not entirely. Your life\u2019s not predetermined, and unfortunately, you\u2019re definitely born into unforeseen predicaments. Predicaments that are possibly a catalyst to something incredible, regrettable, or hopefully, not ominous. I think I\u2019d […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.abayarts.com\/benjaminabaya\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/32"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.abayarts.com\/benjaminabaya\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.abayarts.com\/benjaminabaya\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.abayarts.com\/benjaminabaya\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.abayarts.com\/benjaminabaya\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=32"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"http:\/\/www.abayarts.com\/benjaminabaya\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/32\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":33,"href":"http:\/\/www.abayarts.com\/benjaminabaya\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/32\/revisions\/33"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.abayarts.com\/benjaminabaya\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=32"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.abayarts.com\/benjaminabaya\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=32"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.abayarts.com\/benjaminabaya\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=32"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}