29.

It’s odd. Today, I should reflect. I should immerse myself with my faults and missed opportunities. I love self-deprecating, it’s sort of my forte. I use it comically and in a serious manner. It’s sort of therapeutic, especially if you can laugh at yourself. I do it a lot. I actually find enjoyment when other people laugh at me, with me. Whether it’s my insecurities or something silly about myself, I love to hear people laugh. I am revealing myself right now, take it with a grain of salt, but that’s how I want it to be — salt, it’s like sand, but white and sort of clear. Anyway, like I said earlier, today I should reflect. Yesterday evening I saw a glimpse of something catastrophic. It’s not equivalent to the bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki during World War II, in fact, it’s far less but still personal, probably 0.00001% of what had happened to Hiroshima and Nagasaki without the radiation and deaths.

I won’t quite say what it is, but it reinforces a speculation I had. It emotionally crushed my hopes and probably I have to revaluate some notions I had. It won’t disrupt my belief but it will disrupt my intensions. I wanted to run after I saw what I’ve seen. So I do, I mean, I did. It was impromptu but I ran. I ran to the music of LCD Soundsystem, their latest album, “This Is Happening” It helped. I was revived but for a short time. Ironically ‘This Is Happening’ is something I say to myself often nowadays. It’s a reassurance that I’m still alive and I must live with my decisions instead of dwelling into my sorrows.

People will read this and probably have a certain understanding of me. I’m OK. I’m not depressed. I’m just, you know, reflecting. I mentioned if I’m not doing something productive or consuming a film, book, or music, I tend to think, think a lot. I drown myself with my insecurities. It’s healthy, you know? Not drowning but actually being aware of your insecurities. That’s how you readjust yourself and fix your problems. It’s not my philosophy but it’s something I like to think is right.

Another thing I often do, especially if I’m in need of strength emotionally, mentally, and physically, is prayer. I don’t like to judge other people’s beliefs and whether or not they believe in God and/or religion, it’s not my job. I often see other people attack each other maliciously with words, or in some parts of the world, physically attack them. It’s disgusting. As for prayer, it helps. You’re sort of in a trance, a meditation, trying to find balance within, asking for straight and courage. I do it before almost every daily activity. It does help.

Wow. Remember, I’m not ranting but reflecting. Lastly, you may say I live life vicariously, because I immerse myself through entrainment mediums, I usually don’t experience life through, life? It’s unfortunate. I can blame my lack of interest, or the lack of funds, or just my lack of being a well groomed human being, but I would love to change that about myself, not sure how though. 10 years ago I imagine myself with a career, a wife, a couple of kids, and a house. All being beautiful and perfect. Surely, that was me being naive at the time, and where ignorance was truly bliss, but it was my dream at the time. Then, reality started. Hearts were broken. Attitudes changed.

I would love to end this with something positive. I’m not cynical, I swear. Instead I’ll end it abruptly. Thank you.

Until next time.