I don’t believe in a blank slate. Both, the concept and expression, are quite ridiculous. I mean, you’re born with a blank slate, but not entirely. Your life’s not predetermined, and unfortunately, you’re definitely born into unforeseen predicaments. Predicaments that are possibly a catalyst to something incredible, regrettable, or hopefully, not ominous. I think I’d experienced it today. Although it was minor, and perhaps forgettable, those small fortunes, and also the misfortunes, had grounded me. Yes, you’ve all heard this before, and I don’t want to reiterate everything, because by the time you’ve read this, you’ve probably experienced it prior.
What’s ultimately funny, and despairing, is that I’ve started to regret most of my decisions. I know this website is supposed to be an open book, and I should express what’s going on in my mind, but I believe in staying subtle and vague will protect the people I care about. The people I still care about.
The last time I’ve taken a huge risk was several years ago. I’m talking about a risk where you have no idea what was going to be the outcome. A leap of faith perhaps? I was determined. I was dubious. I was. . . I was, in love. Well, it can’t be love at first sight, and I don’t believe in such things, but it was something. At the time, it was something spectacular.
Remember I said I wasn’t sure? Well, I wasn’t sure, because I think I was afraid. I mean, people who are hesitated, are usually people who are afraid. I think I was afraid of being heartbroken. When I was 23 years old, I was listening to Incubus’ Pardon Me, in a car, singing along with the song, because that was me. I wanted to burst into flames. Years later, that’s still me. I’ve mentioned that I might be the most dormant human being ever, I know it’s a bit hyperbolic, but it’s true. Even after executing my huge risk, our countless expressions of adoration and the inevitable departure of our love, I don’t think I’ve changed. I’m still alone. I’m still here. Still wanting to burst into flames.
I know I’ll have my bad days, I’ll have awful days, but today wasn’t bad at all, it was actually quite great. I think what sprouted this post were the memories. See, to have a blank slate, is to have everything preceding to be nonexistent, so, without feelings or attachment. That’s impossible. From the laughters to the arguments, from the kisses to the tears, it still exist. All of it. It exists in time. If I truly want a “blank slate”, I must erase my memories. Our memories.
Anyway, earlier I mentioned that I started to regret most of my decisions. I think when I made a specific one, it was out of animosity. Would’ve I made the same decision, given the same circumstances?
Yes. Unfortunately, yes.
Until next time.
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