Let’s do this again, shall we? OK, let’s make a deal. If I post weekly, and possibly more than once a week, you, as a reader, should participate in my post, which means try to contribute with your insight of my bleak dormant life. OK, who are we kidding? That’s impossible. Let’s move on.
I think one of the many reasons for my procrastination is that I’m too comfortable with where I am. That “risk taking” I’ve referred and explained a couple of post ago, well that’s unfortunately accurate. Another reason is intimidation and the lack of confidence. I used to like doodling into my sketchbook with ideas and concepts, now it’s an astray into the abyss of a desolate numbness — that’s a bit loquacious. The word loquacious is a bit tedious. Anyway, I get intimidated by how many brilliant and unique artists are out there. Due to the internet, you get an array of incredible talent, from painters to graphic designers, all worthy of your time. Of course I’m jealous, but I don’t disliked them, matter of fact, I love them. That’s why I’m intimidated. I feel I can’t contribute to the “art world” anymore, that I’ve missed my boat. It sailed to Creativity Isle and I was unfortunately stuck on Uncertainty Land. It’s been a number of years now, I can blame everything, and regret everything, but one thing’s certain, it was my fault. I was too unsure and timid to do anything worthwhile, instead, I got too comfortable. I worked, I slept, I worked, I slept, and continued to do so, without a spark. I got stuck. Oddly, I am aware of this, for several years now. That’s how much I liked torturing myself. Will I change? Although uncertain, God knows I’m trying my best to change. That’s all I can do, try my best.
Until next time.
It’s August 1st. Eight months ago I declared I was going to change. I would be more productive and seek an adventure. I created my website to archive and record everything that I’ve encountered with. Whether that be a person or an event, it would be anecdotes of pure wonder and happiness. I was coming back from my so called ‘reclusiveness’, which was several months prior from January 1st. Eight months later, I’m still a passive menial dreadful human being. It’s the truth, unfortunately.
I know you’re tired of reading the same dull posts about how depressing this all is, and It’s pretty tough to maintain a personal website, especially if you’re not totally involved or passionate about its existence. Taken the circumstances that I haven’t been posting lately, and the fact that I’d always been procrastinating, I have no incentive to produce anything significant. I do apologize.
If you’ve been checking from time to time in the mere eight months of the same banal, and inconsequential posts, I only questioned you; why even come back? Sure, I have posted some impressions of what I’ve liked in the past month or so, but even that get’s a bit tedious. I’ve always thought; that this will be the month, where creativity and my thirst for knowledge will ascend. But it won’t. I’m not sure if it will. This site’s recurring theme: failure and uncertainty.
Until next time.
I don’t believe in a blank slate. Both, the concept and expression, are quite ridiculous. I mean, you’re born with a blank slate, but not entirely. Your life’s not predetermined, and unfortunately, you’re definitely born into unforeseen predicaments. Predicaments that are possibly a catalyst to something incredible, regrettable, or hopefully, not ominous. I think I’d experienced it today. Although it was minor, and perhaps forgettable, those small fortunes, and also the misfortunes, had grounded me. Yes, you’ve all heard this before, and I don’t want to reiterate everything, because by the time you’ve read this, you’ve probably experienced it prior.
What’s ultimately funny, and despairing, is that I’ve started to regret most of my decisions. I know this website is supposed to be an open book, and I should express what’s going on in my mind, but I believe in staying subtle and vague will protect the people I care about. The people I still care about.
The last time I’ve taken a huge risk was several years ago. I’m talking about a risk where you have no idea what was going to be the outcome. A leap of faith perhaps? I was determined. I was dubious. I was. . . I was, in love. Well, it can’t be love at first sight, and I don’t believe in such things, but it was something. At the time, it was something spectacular.
Remember I said I wasn’t sure? Well, I wasn’t sure, because I think I was afraid. I mean, people who are hesitated, are usually people who are afraid. I think I was afraid of being heartbroken. When I was 23 years old, I was listening to Incubus’ Pardon Me, in a car, singing along with the song, because that was me. I wanted to burst into flames. Years later, that’s still me. I’ve mentioned that I might be the most dormant human being ever, I know it’s a bit hyperbolic, but it’s true. Even after executing my huge risk, our countless expressions of adoration and the inevitable departure of our love, I don’t think I’ve changed. I’m still alone. I’m still here. Still wanting to burst into flames.
I know I’ll have my bad days, I’ll have awful days, but today wasn’t bad at all, it was actually quite great. I think what sprouted this post were the memories. See, to have a blank slate, is to have everything preceding to be nonexistent, so, without feelings or attachment. That’s impossible. From the laughters to the arguments, from the kisses to the tears, it still exist. All of it. It exists in time. If I truly want a “blank slate”, I must erase my memories. Our memories.
Anyway, earlier I mentioned that I started to regret most of my decisions. I think when I made a specific one, it was out of animosity. Would’ve I made the same decision, given the same circumstances?
Yes. Unfortunately, yes.
Until next time.
This is going to be short and simple, and tragically, sad. Today the video game industry, mainly the many contributors and journalists of the community, received the news of the passing of an important figure and a wonderful human being, his name, Ryan Davis. He was the host, colleague, and most importantly friend of video game site, Giant Bomb. A site in which he and Jeff Gerstmann co-founded in 2008. Ryan hosted the Giant Bombcast, the weekly podcast from Giant Bomb, which is the only podcast I’ve ever listened consistently for five years now, and I’ve never missed an episode since.
I was deeply dismayed and saddened about the news of his passing because it was both sudden and unexpected. I mean, it’s always unexpected when there’s death, but usually we don’t think about death. Anyway, I was affected by his passing because when my brother and I started The Freakin’ Awesome Podcast! we imagined it to be like the Giant Bombcast. How personal and exuberant it felt. They had true camaraderie and chemistry, and it was definitely going to be hard to mimic. Until this day, our podcast can’t be compared. Ryan Davis brought a distinctive lovable attitude with a jubilant affection, that was personal and indicative to the Giant Bomb crew. Without him, I don’t think I would’ve hosted our podcast.
So, this is dedicated to Ryan Davis, the Summerjam Scholar and the King of the Driveway. Thank you and you will be missed.
Condolences to his family and friends.
P.S. I’ve never met the man, but listening to the Giant Bombcast, you wished you did.
In the past couple of weeks, I neglected several of my current favorite television shows so I can finish watching Friday Night Lights. I started watching the acclaimed series in 2010, right before it ended. I caught a few episodes on DVD via Netflix because I heard nothing but positive criticism from numerous sites and podcasts. Suffice it to say, they weren’t wrong.
In 2010, I marathoned Season 1 within a week or so, which was usually 13 episodes. At the time I was in a different mindset, especially when it comes to relationships, I wasn’t single and I was contented about where my life was heading — anyway, I digressed, overall I enjoyed Season 1, it had great moments and great character development, most notably the main character, Eric Taylor played by Kyle Chandler. Eric Taylor, who’s the coach of the Dillon Panthers and is also known as simply ‘Coach’ throughout the seasons, is a respected and well grounded human being/father/husband who’s unbelievably levelheaded. Basically he’s the perfect father figure.
After two years of postponing my Friday Night Lights marathon, due to unforeseen and unfortunate circumstances, cluttered into a busy schedule, plus I was watching a couple of other great television shows, it was impossible to watch and continue. Fast forward to late 2011, a drastic change in my livelihood and some changes in my mindset, I decided to return to the acclaimed television show.
By far, I believe Season 2 of Friday Night Lights is one of the weakest, and probably the most dreadful seasons for any television shows I’ve ever watched. Two words: Dead Body. In retrospective, it was during the time of the writer’s strike, which was the sole reason for the season’s declining plot and character development. In a quick second they turned a beloved family drama into a haphazard and atrocious crime thriller, with a numbed story. I was definitely worried. At this point Netflix Instant had all the seasons of Friday Night Lights, which was easier to watch now. It actually took me a year until I finished Season 2 because it was so abysmal I couldn’t endured majority of what was happening.
In the past year, I’ve watched Seasons 3-5, ending Season 5 just last week. My brief and thorough assessment about Friday Night Lights as a whole is very simple: It’s the best family drama I’ve ever watched. After Season 3, the showrunners did an excellent and elegant job in transitioning themselves with an opportunity. They sort of hit the reset button and configured the dynamics with the characters, and their relationships with Dillon, it equated to one of the best seasons in television history, especially being prime time and on a network. Much of their success is credited to actor Michael B. Jordan, who played Vince Howard, the QB1 for the East Dillon Lions. After his introduction, the character rejuvenated the series by subtly implementing actual social commentary that many American’s resonated with. Him being an amazing actor also added to the triumph of the series. All of a sudden it went beyond football. Season 4, and pretty much anything afterward, dealt with the differences between the social classes and our responsibility to take care of our community. We started to have characters with actual dilemmas and troubles, it didn’t feel contrived, for once it felt honest. Character’s actually had to live with certain consequences and many learned from them.
Many might dismiss Friday Night Lights as being melodramatic, comparing it to soap operas. To the contrary, it felt natural. Sure, there were several incidents that felt like a soap opera, but it certainly wasn’t. Friday Night Lights had depth and it was exceptionally dense. Majority of the time we followed the Taylors, whom were probably the most organic family in television, and strived to stay as a loving unit, whom were compassionate for each other. They found compromise, and they communicated very well. It’s a family we strived to endure and become. I had many more reactions and opinions but I think I’m ranting now, anyway, I can’t recommend the series enough.
Also, I will admit, and I’m not embarrassed, I don’t think there was one episode in which I wasn’t emotional impacted. Yes, I didn’t have a single dry eye.
I have a social deficiency.
That’s not new though. If you’d hung out with me, it’s easily noticeable. Usually, I would sit quietly listening to other people talking as I play with my phone, or just sipping onto my drink. I’ve experienced this a couple of weeks ago when a good friend of mine invited me to her party. Everyone was wonderful, with wonderful stories, and delicious food, but I felt like an outcast, because due to my lack of contribution. Granted, her friends all knew each other for awhile, and I was new to her group, although I’ve known her for almost a decade. It’s quite odd. I tried to find something in common and latched onto a conversation but everybody was very keen and lively, it was definitely tough to follow. Perhaps it’s my fault? It’s been proven that I tend to display an impassive look when people are directly talking at me. Include my insecurity lumped into my social ineptness, and my odd sense of humor, you’ll probably get someone who’s a bit off. I’m trying to be myself though.
I’m not quite sure why I wrote the post, and it’s possibly my way to extricate whatever I am feeling at the moment. It’s not bothersome, in fact, I’m quite assured that everything’s OK. Perhaps I wrote this to fill a void? Of course, I’m talking about this site, the void of the site. Although, I’m not sure now.
Anyway, this week is full of great entertainment that I will happily be indulged in. A couple of films that I’ve been anticipating this year and a couple of good interactions with family and friends. At the moment, I’m preparing an itinerary for next weekend, because my nephew and his girlfriend are visiting from Wisconsin. I’ll make a couple of post about that too, and possibly pictures? Eh, possibly.
Until next time.
So, I broke my promise. I wasn’t going to consistently post things, I mean, you should have known by now on how I operate, especially this being my twelve post in six months, that’s about two post a month. Ridiculous, I know. Although, I will make this less cynical and possibly a bit enthusiastic. If this post deteriorates back to my pessimistic ways, I apologize, I’ll try not to. Promise. Hopefully. Maybe?
First, let’s look at the bright side. I’ve watched several fantastic films the past three weeks. All being great and humble, and wonderful, and plain awesome. Also, I’ve loved all the films equally. I’ll work myself backwards:
Stories We Tell: A documentary film by actress, Sarah Polley, it’s about reminiscing about her mother and reconstructing her mother’s secretive past. It’s told by her family, friends, and acquaintances, strictly from memories. I was not only enthralled about what was being unraveled but how poetic and theatrical it felt. And liked most great conventional films, it had the complexity and stakes that usually takes us by surprise. Wonderfully crafted, you get a sense that all of us don’t live normal lives but rather mosaic and elaborate ones.
Brooklyn Castle: I love the game of chess. Some would say it’s the game for the intellect. It’s also for the strategic and disciple. Brooklyn Castle is about the bright kids of Intermediate School 318 and their chess team. It documents their struggles from poverty, school budget cuts, and to their social acceptance as individuals. I love how each kid had their own story and stride. It’s inspiring to see kids win, not in chess matches, but life in general. And when a problem arises, they find solutions. Just like the game of chess (see the connection there?) Some of us can learn a thing or two from them.
If this all seems brisk and nonchalant, I apologize, it’s not. Anyway, continuing on…
Frances Ha: I’m a fan of Noah Baumbach and his films. Although I’ve only watched his previous three, I was highly anticipating this specific film because there’s a certain aesthetic and character that peaked my interest. Being filmed in black & white and having a female protagonist, it centers around Frances and her will to acceptance, not by family or friends but by adults. It’s a quirky and interesting look at this generations 20 something, possibly ‘hipsters’? I’m not sure.
That’s that. I apologize if I wasn’t as meticulous with my overall opinions because I wasn’t sure if people would’ve read or cared. Anyway, I’ve also watched After Earth and Fast & Furious 6, which were also great, well After Earth was good, but Fast & Furious 6 was actually great, not sure if I mentioned it here. Well I did mention it HERE (<–Click there mate) though, and also HERE (<–Also click there). Excuse this post if it didn’t get into my psyche. I know you weren’t fulfilled. I do highly recommend those films though, but then again, I usually watched about 100 films a year.
Lastly, I’ve notice there wasn’t a dark side to this post. Oops.
Until next time.
I’m a horrible person. I’ve mentioned it before, right? I tell myself that many times throughout my life. Matter of fact, I’ve been saying it to myself this past month. I’ve mentioned my love for self-loathing and how I’ve managed to benefit from it. It’s definitely the neurosis, but then again, I highly doubt it. See, I can’t decide which is it. I entertained the notion that I have several problems that I usually amplify, so I can’t find solutions for, or possibly I’m thinking highly of myself. Am I condescending? Narrowed-minded? Am I unintentionally hurting people? Are expectations embedded in me when I befriend someone? Again, it maybe me thinking highly of myself, thinking, “Oh, I may have an affect towards that person, so I scarred them for life.” Usually I can fix this. I try not to distance myself but I find comfort if someone doesn’t have to deal with my nuance and my inability to relate or appreciate them. The solution is there, somewhere. It’s quite a mess. In the middle of the clutter, I’ll find the perfect matching socks.
It’s been quite awhile since I’ve posted something. Life’s not grand, but it hasn’t been awful too. It’s neither here nor there. It’s definitely not stagnant. Possibly I’m just passing the time. I wanted to post something every week this past month but I became lethargic. I know, I know, not this again. I used it as an excuse so I can be insufficient. It’s sad.
Beginning this week I’ll try my best to post something. Something less cynical and bleak, I promise. Really, I will. I swear.
Until next time.
It’s tough being productive, especially if you don’t have enough hours in a day to successfully follow your agenda. I’m horrible when it comes to time management. Many times I don’t quite know what’s priority and what’s insignificant. I tend to merge both and quite possibly ruined my day, which feels unsettling. I do this often and I’m used to the repetition. I would love to break it one day but it does take time. Although, I do get anxious if I don’t follow through with my objectives. Sometimes, I find myself ignoring one objective and wait for it to disappear. It’s a bad habit. I try not to do it.
Today would be an excellent example. It’s almost time to retire the day but I feel as if I hardly did anything. Granted, I did do my routinely and meticulously timed appointments and tasks but I feel unsatisfied. I feel like a sloth. Possibly, a much slower sloth that happens to do errands. I wished I was an adorable sloth right now. Speaking of adorable creatures, and yes I am digressing right now, but I found out what were tardigrades. If you don’t know I highly advise you to research and read. Quite possibly the most adorable creatures on the planet, next to axolotls. I was fascinated on how well they’ve adapted to different environments, even at the most inhospitable places in the universe. If only I was born as a tardigrade, but then again, I wouldn’t have typed this blog post. Not sure if that’s good or bad?
Where was I? I think that’s it. I wanted to mention certain films, television shows, and music albums but I’ll end this abruptly again. I feel a bit uncomfortable.
Until next time.
I’m off from work this evening and it’s quite odd. Not entirely sure why though. Well, I know why I’m off, but for it being odd, I don’t quite know. Probably because it’s Tuesday. A Tuesday night for that matter. Usually I’m asleep right now. Dreaming. Well trying to dream. Unless I’m totally tired and my body can adjust to the weather, then I might be sleeping properly. It’s tough. I can’t complain though. Anyway, where was I? Yes, it’s odd being off on a Tuesday night.
The past couple of nights I had a series of hiccups that were prolonged until utter annoyance. It was terrible. I didn’t even eat prior to the hiccups. I had them at a particular time for no particular reason. Again, it was terrible. If you haven’t heard my hiccups, imagine a frog, a frog that smokes, and as it croaks it also has this gnarly sound, perhaps like puppies being beaten by a hammer (I actually don’t know what that sounds like, but if I do, my hiccups are close enough) incorporate all those sounds together: the smoking frog and a helpless puppy’s plea, equals my hiccup. Terrible, right? I know! I guess that’s my story. My pointless story. To clarify, I don’t smoke.
To add some sort of importance to the story, I was fascinated about hiccups afterwards. Especially my hiccups. My terrible chain-smoking-frog-puppy-killing hiccups — does this make any sense? I didn’t think so. I researched the reasons on why I had hiccups. I concluded, from those exact moments I had them, there wasn’t any reason. I wasn’t excessively eating, laughing, or drinking any sort of carbonated drinks. I just had them. I had them on separated occasions but during a certain time of the day, which was the evening. The late evening. The nocturnal shift. Was there some sort of literal and metaphorical reason? Literal because I had them, and metaphorical because I might have ‘hiccups’ in life. A sudden change in pace. An obstacle. A hurdle. Hindrances. Anything to stop me from my goals. Or was this a sign to things to come? A positive hiccup? A hiccup through, not only in life, but the rubbish.
I was told by friends the myth surrounding hiccups, especially from a random episode, is that someone is thinking about you. That’s quite ridiculous. It’s fun to think that way, but in reality, probably nobody is. OK, that got a bit somber. I apologize. In conclusion, if you have a chance to listen to my hiccups, they’re quite delightful and please don’t hesitate to give water. Thank you.
Until next time.
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I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing.
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